I just keep missing him

.

Have you ever had someone that just keeps playing mind games like it's the little signs that don't really account for any God damn truth or thing in the end but was so consistent. How could something confusing be so consistent? And feel so right? Make me feel so right and just okay...and now he's not a part of my reality no more. I'm having a hard time moving on.

Like times when I think I'm so over him and think I was the biggggest fool for feeling the way I did for the longest time ever but then BOOM...I just keep missing him. Wth and there's still a entireee not even a tiny part of me that really really and truly from the entirety of my heart hopes that he could somehow be back in my reality. Wtffff.

I hate him. But because he's not here. Because he never was honest about how he felt. Because he was so unclear about ''Not liking me back''. But somehow he's eye's were always fricking glued to mine when I was around. What an idiot for making me feel like an idiot but act's the way he does. But I don't even hate him, I just really miss him. This loser. Ime.

This boy. He was a fricking micro magnifier and made everything drastically bad just fricking unclear...it was just a game to focus on everyday like a distraction from everything else and maybe that's why he made me feel so 'okay'. Maybe that's why he grew on me so much. Because I didn't even know him, I just felt?

Part 1 of the post I need to write and the reason why I haven't allowed myself to post anything else for so long. Him.

-23:48 15/11/17

After 1 Year &10 months
Saturday 4th November 2017

Moral of the post: Life has a funny way of working out

GUYSSS yesterday was the day I talked to a friend I fell out with badly for literally a year and 10 months or so. That’s almost TWO fricking years…but today we met up and talked like none of that time’s passed by but as better versions of ourselves omalord guys my heart.

And on that note closure is so so SO important. Grateful.

❤

What I've learnt from the past is to watch exactly what you say when you feel hurt to the person that's the source, because once they're out (even if you didn't mean it)... they can really BLOW everything out of proportion. 

Honestly the way I fell out with this close friend was because I remember feeling insignificant & like a mug by the way she would chose her boyfriend and his friend over me to the point it was a consistent thing. And it came to a point where I was like there's no point faking this friendship and what was supposed to be a calm 'I'm done' conversation led to bitterness & bitchyness and I just remember wanting to hurt her as much as I felt hurt from her actions but you know it always takes two to tango and shit...So she wasn't the only one at fault. And as a younger version of myself and also our group of close friends we sucked at communicating and maybe this was a bittersweet time passing, falling out/ zero communication thing. As A) I felt I needed to be able to enjoy and not be restricted in the group of friends we always had been in and lose that reliance and you know get along with other people, B) missing someone is the best way to internalise their importance especially when you've always had them and you start forgetting how much they ADD than subtract in your life and C) boundaries and diminishing unhealthy attachments....I'm just glad I could make closure because that's not the person I am anymore and the things that were said and left wasn't a reflection of my entire attitude, it was a really bad self destructive implusive thing honestly. When in reality we both cared/ missed each other..or wished each other were there during certain moments that only we'd get etc etc. There's no point in holding grudges it's all about keeping an open ear guys.

Another thing I've realised is it's so easy to actually fall out with someone but still see them everyday at school because they're still indirectly part of your routinised life. But I realised when school came to an end it's the realisation that 'huh this person's really out of sight now, is it really going to be the rest of our lives wondering how each other's doing and what they're up to'...and maybe that played a part in letting go of the 'ego' because below surface levels we still cared and yeah.

Like I don't know where yesterday leaves us as friends but we'll see but no point stressing, small successes at a timeeee. Like I always say ''Trust the process, every little things adding TF up'' ;)

Happy 2nd November 2017!
Fricking completed posting everyday for a month finalllyyy, now I'll be working more on quality>quantity. Honestly, a post a day was getting hella stressful but I DID IT :')

Anywho, so today I landed a job finally, honestly can't waittt to get the money flowing in ;) sike no but yeah...You don't understand how many jobs I applied/ gave my CV in for and something worked out even after all this time. I'm so glad I didn't drown cos of this shit. Because honestly everyone has their own time and path and i've learnt that now.
Honestly the quote below has been so reassuring in staying put in this process:

Honestly this song and cover is just so beautiful (even though the original by P!nk is amazing too):

Yo might as well share more x factor week 1 live performances

(This girl is properrr talented she's been performing her own songs and they're just so raw, something about depth man, something about depth)

And these lot are just lit, like their audition (own song) was stuck in my head for so long too

"I'm feeling you so what we gonna do"

Bro this wasn't even lives but her accent and the way she's singing this, my hearrtttt.

This year's x factor is actually banging so far 

This teen's a star, this teen's a legenddd. LOVE THIS:

Someone should make this t-shirt a movement honestly.

And fricking weird... I saw a cute top like the pink one today and really wanted it~coincidenceee

Oh and almost forgot Happy 1st FRICKING November...Finally can sing Christmas songs shamelessly around the house without worrying about my neighbours (Like I don't randomly in the summer sometimes anyways lmao)