Broken sentences> Broken Thoughts
23:09 29/03/20

Why is it that we focus on what’s no longer the same OVER what still remains?

WHY is the void so strong than the gratitude of the people that are still here?

I’ve been hurting so badly lately. 

It’s so hard to believe in myself again. I’ve just been crying. My sleeping patterns been messier than ever. Today shapes tomorrow and I've just been motionless. We'll see what happens next.

Want to do better and attract better. 

Going Back To Uni After A Month Break

00:36 13/01/19

Times like this I have the urge to write but I don’t because I’m too exhausted to but I guess I’m just going for it right now.

So today after a long enough, one month break from Uni I’m going back today. I can’t sleep either, don’t know if it’s because ‘I’m not ready to go back’ but when would I have ever felt ready? Probably a good percentage after the shit ton of lecture re-watching I SHOULD HAVE done.

Not going to lie the first week back I was a sad bitch for a whole week…I was sleeping more, waking up when the day was half way done; nonsense. That was probably because you go from seeing people everyday at uni and coming home and not having that (friends wise). 

But yeah. For some reason I don’t have a good network of ‘close friends’, keyword ‘close’. Like I went through primary school with a best friend, went secondary was bullied for a good couple of years ha….(I should do a look through my dairy blogpost series, ayeee because I’ve completely blanked out that period of my life…reading it would be woOh and as you can see I haven’t for years ufft)…But yeah secondary I was bullied for a dreadful couple of years and then God blessed me with a friendship group I’d gotten close with and looking back at it now I miss that, it was a beautiful thing and I really hate I have an absence of a girl friendship group network…These days I only hang out with individuals and don’t get me wrong I’m really grateful for that….because during my friendship group they were all I knew, we were all we knew until things went sour with us and we were no longer an ‘us’. I still had a best friend from that friendship group for years after even when our group was ‘diminishing’ lmao…we were so close it was always “where’s your other half?” But even that was destroyed and ruined…by so many different things and events… But I’m still grateful to have a few people that text me on a regular but a girl still needs her ‘girl group’ and I want something real like that again. I mean I’ve had all these twists and turns in my life I’m not giving up hope yet. God’s got a plan for me, he always does. Drake said it first 😉 #God’s Plan….

That was a huge other segment (I went into but didn’t really go in to) that was the background of this post because life has alllll these fucking backgrounds…History’s always relevant my loves. 🤷

But yeah, RESUME. So when I got back I had nothing to look forward to in terms of plans and friendships. It’s actually really sad haha like you’d see everyone else on snapchat reuniting with their friends back home and it’s like I wish I had a ‘home’. You know the metaphorical saying that ‘home’ is the people who love you. But anyways so I wasted a whole entire week being miserable, then I took things into action.  I told myself I need to initiate the plans, do something exciting to get me out of this shithole feeling. And guess what your girl went ice-skating for the first time, I went winter wonderland for the first time, and it turned out to be great (: Of course some regular plans too but yeah, like I always say HUMAN CONNECTION IS EVERYTHING. So had the second week busy with plans and finaaaaallly I was able to start revising the way I was supposed to on the 3^rd week (let’s say, at least properly). And I realised how long my bloody 2 hour lectures actually take, some times a couple day and more YIKES. So I didn’t do as much as I could of but like I said on my twitter:

Another thing I wanna get off my chest…social media is actually so consuming, can be such a black hole. A huge part to that whole first week happening. I always snap when I’m at uni because I have people around me constantly, hence more things happening to post. But because I had came back home I felt like other people were gonna judge me based on me not posting on social media when I come back from uni, because literally I had nothing happening…Which is really bad but hey surface level. We’ll go into the ‘confinement’ segment another blog post time ffs 😂

But yeah now I’m going back  (1:11am makes a wish)…So as I was saying I’m going back to uni today, after this night of nostalgia and sleeplessness? If that’s even what it is. And not going to lie the uni experience isn’t going that well. It’s good but not “going well”. It’s such a alienating feeling when you don’t get along with your housemates…Like there’s no drama but there’s also no connection, whilst most of all the girls on the flat are really close like one group…It was so heart breaking when I was on snapchat seeing them all celebrate thanksgiving together and I didn’t even get an invite. That just shows you I don’t really matter ha. “When life gives you lemons you don’t cry, they’re not onions…………………………………….” Okay alright I know dry dad jokes that I made on twitter when I was thinking about the situation this morning…Have a laugh if anything 🤷

Don’t get me wrong guys I have a couple friends but they live in their own area on campus (which is further than you think) and so they have their own thing with their housemates and even friends and I’m left being/ feeling like the clingy friend…Another not so great feeling.

So yeah the part I haven’t been enjoying the most about uni is getting food…because I’m part catered and so I don’t really have a definite person to go down with…It’s always a gamble everyday…and it just makes me anxious like the way I used ‘…and’ together lmao. And sometimes they just go down without inviting me and it’s just awkward having to go down eating alone…Yeah, I should get over that because there’s nothing wrong with it. But it’s also not a good feeling. I remember the boys came and joined me once was so cute, really appreciate small shit like that. After all, we all want to feel wanted. So, anyone reading this…if there’s anything you can take from this is: include people. That is one of the best things you can do for someone, honestly.

So yeah back to the post… Hence why I’m sort of off put about going back, even though I love the freedom at uni and I know I can’t stay sheltered forever. Packing is also a pain the anxiousness from hoping not to forget anything but also to fit everything in. Yikes thank the lord I have someone would can drive me there because I don’t know what I would have done. It’s hard because a car is so convenient but so financially draining; let me not even think about it…Really need to find a job this term. Need to do so much more and get more out of uni like they always glamourise. SO cheers to that. 

The main reason I wanted to write this was because I wanted it to be a time stamp of the past…Which hopefully I can look back to when everything’s better and you can also see that things do get better. I know I got a lot to do to get there but like my friend said, “If you don’t have your optimism, you have nothing” and with that I’ll be okay.

What I hope from this term is that I make loads more friends, I want that friendship love I’ve been missing out on…A SISTER GROUP. Something genuine with depth and understanding…I want to fix my past mistakes when I had a friendship group and appreciate it wholly this time round. That’s the main thing I want right now; in this time period of my life and I’m hopeful, always hopeful. 💙

"I want friendships that consume me, love, passion, adventure"-Cheeky Damon Salvatore quote haha...alright alright jokes aside but I want pictures like this and unfiltered moments, to celebrate and to be celebrated.

13/01/19 02:41

"Who knows what the future holds?"

Not for the both of us but for the each of us.

23:50 31/12/18

I started off just knowing him when I didn't even know him...just being driven by him and then there was no more him and this year introduced me to the world out there and now I wonder why I was meant to be so fixated on you the way I was and for as long as I did? Haha... I'll always remember you as someone who made me feel.

Omagosh things were turning upside down but ironically/ destructively he was there to make me feel and maybe that's why I ended up so desensitised when there was no more him. But I'm realising these dots, adding them up and truly realising that maybe in that moment being distracted was all I had.

23:56 31/12/18

To ALL this year was
To change & moving on ♥

Moving forward now

23:59 31/12/18 Goodbye 2018 love you

Last Post of 2018

I don’t want this to feel like work. I want this blog to be something to look back on, something to look back to everything I’ve gone through/ I’m going through…To look back on the highlight on the normals of life like; what shows I’ve been in to and what not… I also want to try to connect with someone out there, through this…

Who knows maybe I’ll get regulars who tune into my blog posts and realise this is all about real life and a human who has a long, long, longgg way to go to find real happiness…and I know this isn’t no YouTube vlogs, you gotta read (yikes I know) haha but maybe the universe will draw appreciation to the effort I want to be putting into this, next year.

I’ve been saying this for a year. Yeah, the only main resolution I need to be focusing on next year is my chronic procrastination and spiralling unorganised messes of memory hoarding but mostly clutter at this point. I feel like I’ve let that represent me as a person and allowed these bad habits to maintain but it’s okay…I’ll get there.

I have all these saved screenshots of quotes and beautiful/interesting things that I want to be able to put together into meaningful/powerful or just creative posts…because not to be vain or anything…All I can say is I’m not really good at anything ‘YET’, but I do feel I have a creative mind.

Like sometimes I look back on old posts and think wow I wrote that? how did I express myself so well, it be like that sometimes lmao…That doesn’t mean everything I write will be poetic because I still want it to be real/me, my little quirks etc. Like I want to be able to look back and feel yeah this is exactly who I was, thank God I don’t speak like that anymore and cringe away and just be all nostalgic like the nostalgic bitch I am haha.

What I’ve realised is that the way we carry ourselves make us feel old and I’ve been feeling like that for a long time…Feeling like a mess and then feeling tired as a whole…Which then leads to even more damage when the way I’ve been handling it is just by sleeping. Which leads me to where I am now: not insomnia but still a diseased sleeping pattern

But yeah, I think it’s the year of taking control…and having sense because the way I started 2019 I realised I was so emotionally detached and desensitised & I’m happy to say I’m regaining myself back, slowly but surely; always.

P.S. It’s really annoying when you’re writing and trying to find a balance between clichés and cringing to something raw and real. Aaaaaaa I’ll get there too.

Right now it’s 22:59 31/12/18 I’ve literally had 2 hrs of sleep today so I’m glad that in the end I’m home, sleeping through new years the usual haha…But “I’m good, I’m great, I’m great”

2019’s going to be EPIC

#tvdforever haha

& “We’ll try again next year” Remember ♥

00:06 Monday 2nd October 2018

Have to claim my creativity/self? back, through this

WOW I could do better, I WILL do better but for now 'Purpose' don't even think about it. (Is it weird that I sometimes use my name in third person...Regardless, due to anonymous purposes (woOoh totally unintended pun haha) I'll refer myself as Purpose here. Not cringy at all *heavily cringing right now* WOoh but wait ''Something of Purpose"/ "Something of (The name I cannot reveal)" Sort of like a metaphor? Is that the right word? God knows but it can be cool. So HEY guys I'm Purpose. Okay still cringy but if I ever need a anonymous name... boom there we are.

I keep coming back after a long ass period writing the same re-entering introductory about how much I suck at maintaining this. You know I always say/ started to think... nothing in my life has substance anymore...that's a story for another time...But here we are and yet again I can't even maintain this and give it substance? I remember creating this blog at a stage where I had nothing going on for myself...You know just about a year ago when...

TO BE CONTINUED:

Because ''...but for now 'Purpose' don't even think about it.'' It's 00:19 I need to sleep because I'm at Uni now and WELLLLLLL I'll explain how I got here. Soon.

Oops-Substance?  -00:41

5th of March💙
Part 2 of the post I need to write and the reason why I haven't allowed myself to post anything else for so long. Him.

You know... who knows how much longer I would have put this off for...Don't know why but yep it's the loser's birthday, so in memory of this date I might as well just do it. Do I even want to anymore? The feelings aren't even the same anymore, can't even barely remember him.

Odd, so odd.

All I know is in the midst of all the change where he's no longer a part of my day to day life anymore and hasn't been for a long time now... I found myself thinking ''Oh it's going to be the 5th of march soon'' found myself praying for him and that my guys good haha, not that deep anymore but dates always get me reminiscing like the feely sucker I am.

Looking back at part 1, I really did nail how he made me feel but this is just the 'remainder'... The part I just need to set free from the back of my head by just getting it out.

One thing I've been meaning to get off my chest is I really thought we were going to end up going university at the same place. Not even the tiniest part of me thought that would ever be the case but it was one school seminar... Where the teacher was asking about  firm choices for uni and out of the fricking insane blue he said the one I had picked but of course with a maybe. And mind you he was redoing and I was taking a gap year (as I am at this very moment) so I actually thought wow man... But later I bumped into another redoer couple months later and he had told me he wasn't there anymore because he did this extra distinction essay and did maths. Hence was enough to get him into uni straight after. And that was kind of (let me not lie) very heartbreaking because I really thought I was going to see him there, had no idea about him getting into a uni during the year he was redoing...I can't believe I thought it was in the works of destiny or someshit, just makes me wish I never heard him say that uni choice to begin with because before that I had absolute no hope of that ever happening. But yeah that's in the past now was a moment of excitement that was short lived with decietful hope but yeah. Glad things worked out for him in the end progression wise too.

So on the 29th October 2017 I made a fake account to message this dude to just ''one last time'' pour my feelings out to him... without him actually knowing for sure who it was. And it's so weird because not in a million years would I have expected him to message me a few days after... Because on the 6th of November 2017 seeing his name pop up, oml had me tearing up... not even going to lie. (It's so weird writing this now because the feelings aren't fresh anymore). Like the fact it was only a matter of 8 days later from the whole goodbye anonymous shit. So it was mad. Maybe when he said he knows who it is, he did think of me. Guys that just makes what he said even more sweet but I did feel like he did know it was me, even though he can never be sure.

But yeah, it was mad because of one thing he said in particular ''Much more I could say but uno more a "do" kinda guy''. I just remember telling myself ''nahhhh  man keeping talking'' because I really just liked hearing him talk as genuinely as that. But yeah I was really thinking/ hoping that meant something more especially when I saw his name pop up after just 8 days but I guess it was just a figure of speech because what could he have done for me anyway?... He was asking for a essay help thing from the class we used to have together still VERY VERY ODD. I just thought maybe, finally he'd admit to feeling something even if it was only a apology for his dickish behaviours in the past. But guysss my guy ended it with ''Glad I met you'' I'm glad I met him too man, I'm glad I met him too. Even though I can't remember him like that anymore but I do know I haven't felt passionately/idiotically ever since haha.

How it used to be.

This was his response that I wrote out as it was in voice notes:

I'm not going to post the long ass paragraph that I sent him, was a tad bit too cringe and heart poury so yeah leaving that one out.

Hearing him say  ''Hope you do well, have a good life''...and remembering how much that hit.. that he's no longer a part of my journey no more. I mean not going to lie I was stuck in a bubble as school was all I had known of until this gap year which I still need to catch you guys up on. But yeah I just remember how much that hit because it's really separate ways from here and has been for a long time now. We're in March for God's sake, time is really and truly flying by, wow. Even though he did say ''who know what the future holds'' so who knows but I hope that the positive impressions we've had on each other does remain even if we were never directly in each others lives...And finally the bit that made me feel he was talking to me directly (like he had me in his head when he was replying) was the bit where he said ''Don't let any idea of what a girl should be like stop you, feel like you already don't... at that stage now which is good...''. Just something personal I will not go into now but it felt like he listened more than I thought he did, all those sociology lessons on the few times I've spoken about such things and even then subtly ...so maybe he cared more than he let on others to believe.

It's weird wondering if he still thinks about me or even misses me. All I know is he's fading from my memories. The songs aren't even the same anymore. So to carrying on moving on.

🥂

 ''who know what the future holds''

Happy New Year?

Sunday 31st December 2017

I know I haven't been posting since over a month, the last one was 15th of November. Lord Jesus did not realise it's been this long BUT just know a update is coming...But for now in remembrance and light of the last day or should I say last 26 minutes (since it's 23:34 right now) I just want to post something. Mems. Guess I care more than I thought I did.

For some it's exciting and for those who are entering this new year with the same continuance of some sort of inner tension/grief/disappointment it's just another day...and that's becoming me... (at least this year). I don't want that, no one wants that. But what I'm saying is: the symbolic of the fricking last digit changing of the year (lmao) means some sort of hope of looking forward to different energy from the universe and it's time to accept that I am in control of my own destiny and I still got a long way to go to work on that. Especially my thinking and behaviour, because let's face it we all can be better versions of ourselves but MAY THIS YEAR bring better opportunities and help us become aware of that universal guidance that ''everything happens for a reason''mentality in order to do better. -23:41

But yep not going to overdo it, 

keep loving.