I started off just knowing him when I didn't even know him...just being driven by him and then there was no more him and this year introduced me to the world out there and now I wonder why I was meant to be so fixated on you the way I was and for as long as I did? Haha... I'll always remember you as someone who made me feel.
Omagosh things were turning upside down but ironically/ destructively he was there to make me feel and maybe that's why I ended up so desensitised when there was no more him. But I'm realising these dots, adding them up and truly realising that maybe in that moment being distracted was all I had.
23:56 31/12/18
To ALL this year was
To change & moving on ♥
Moving forward now
23:59 31/12/18 Goodbye 2018 love you
Last Post of 2018
I don’t want this to feel like work. I want this blog to be
something to look back on, something to look back to everything I’ve gone
through/ I’m going through…To look back on the highlight on the normals of life
like; what shows I’ve been in to and what not… I also want to try to connect
with someone out there, through this…
Who knows maybe I’ll get regulars who tune into my blog
posts and realise this is all about real life and a human who has a long, long,
longgg way to go to find real happiness…and I know this isn’t no YouTube vlogs,
you gotta read (yikes I know) haha but maybe the universe will draw appreciation
to the effort I want to be putting into this, next year.
I’ve been saying this for a year. Yeah, the only main resolution
I need to be focusing on next year is my chronic procrastination and
spiralling unorganised messes of memory hoarding but mostly clutter at this
point. I feel like I’ve let that represent me as a person and allowed these bad
habits to maintain but it’s okay…I’ll get there.
I have all these saved screenshots of quotes and beautiful/interesting
things that I want to be able to put together into meaningful/powerful or just
creative posts…because not to be vain or anything…All I can say is I’m not
really good at anything ‘YET’, but I do feel I have a creative mind.
Like sometimes I look back on old posts and think wow I wrote
that? how did I express myself so well, it be like that sometimes lmao…That doesn’t
mean everything I write will be poetic because I still want it to be real/me, my
little quirks etc. Like I want to be able to look back and feel yeah this is exactly
who I was, thank God I don’t speak like that anymore and cringe away and just
be all nostalgic like the nostalgic bitch I am haha.
What I’ve realised is that the way we carry ourselves make
us feel old and I’ve been feeling like that for a long time…Feeling like a mess
and then feeling tired as a whole…Which then leads to even more damage when the
way I’ve been handling it is just by sleeping. Which leads me to where I am
now: not insomnia but still a diseased sleeping pattern
But yeah, I think it’s the year of taking control…and having
sense because the way I started 2019 I realised I was so emotionally detached
and desensitised & I’m happy to say I’m regaining myself back, slowly but
surely; always.
P.S. It’s really annoying when you’re writing and trying to
find a balance between clichés and cringing to something raw and real. Aaaaaaa
I’ll get there too.
Right now it’s 22:59 31/12/18 I’ve literally had 2 hrs of
sleep today so I’m glad that in the end I’m home, sleeping through new years
the usual haha…But “I’m good, I’m great, I’m great”
2019’s going to be EPIC
#tvdforever haha
& “We’ll try again next year” Remember ♥
Monday, 1 October 2018
00:06 Monday 2nd October 2018
Have to claim my creativity/self? back, through this
WOW I could do better, I WILL do better but for now 'Purpose' don't even think about it. (Is it weird that I sometimes use my name in third person...Regardless, due to anonymous purposes (woOoh totally unintended pun haha) I'll refer myself as Purpose here. Not cringy at all *heavily cringing right now* WOoh but wait ''Something of Purpose"/ "Something of (The name I cannot reveal)" Sort of like a metaphor? Is that the right word? God knows but it can be cool. So HEY guys I'm Purpose. Okay still cringy but if I ever need a anonymous name... boom there we are. I keep coming back after a long ass period writing the same re-entering introductory about how much I suck at maintaining this. You know I always say/ started to think... nothing in my life has substance anymore...that's a story for another time...But here we are and yet again I can't even maintain this and give it substance? I remember creating this blog at a stage where I had nothing going on for myself...You know just about a year ago when... TO BE CONTINUED: Because ''...but for now 'Purpose' don't even think about it.'' It's 00:19 I need to sleep because I'm at Uni now and WELLLLLLL I'll explain how I got here. Soon. Oops-Substance? -00:41
Monday, 5 March 2018
5th of March💙 Part 2 of the post I need to write and the reason why I haven't allowed myself to post anything else for so long. Him.
You know... who knows how much longer I would have put this off for...Don't know why but yep it's the loser's birthday, so in memory of this date I might as well just do it. Do I even want to anymore? The feelings aren't even the same anymore, can't even barely remember him.
Odd, so odd.
All I know is in the midst of all the change where he's no longer a part of my day to day life anymore and hasn't been for a long time now... I found myself thinking ''Oh it's going to be the 5th of march soon'' found myself praying for him and that my guys good haha, not that deep anymore but dates always get me reminiscing like the feely sucker I am.
Looking back at part 1, I really did nail how he made me feel but this is just the 'remainder'... The part I just need to set free from the back of my head by just getting it out.
One thing I've been meaning to get off my chest is I really thought we were going to end up going university at the same place. Not even the tiniest part of me thought that would ever be the case but it was one school seminar... Where the teacher was asking about firm choices for uni and out of the fricking insane blue he said the one I had picked but of course with a maybe. And mind you he was redoing and I was taking a gap year (as I am at this very moment) so I actually thought wow man... But later I bumped into another redoer couple months later and he had told me he wasn't there anymore because he did this extra distinction essay and did maths. Hence was enough to get him into uni straight after. And that was kind of (let me not lie) very heartbreaking because I really thought I was going to see him there, had no idea about him getting into a uni during the year he was redoing...I can't believe I thought it was in the works of destiny or someshit, just makes me wish I never heard him say that uni choice to begin with because before that I had absolute no hope of that ever happening. But yeah that's in the past now was a moment of excitement that was short lived with decietful hope but yeah. Glad things worked out for him in the end progression wise too.
So on the 29th October 2017 I made a fake account to message this dude to just ''one last time'' pour my feelings out to him... without him actually knowing for sure who it was. And it's so weird because not in a million years would I have expected him to message me a few days after... Because on the 6th of November 2017 seeing his name pop up, oml had me tearing up... not even going to lie. (It's so weird writing this now because the feelings aren't fresh anymore). Like the fact it was only a matter of 8 days later from the whole goodbye anonymous shit. So it was mad. Maybe when he said he knows who it is, he did think of me. Guys that just makes what he said even more sweet but I did feel like he did know it was me, even though he can never be sure.
But yeah, it was mad because of one thing he said in particular ''Much more I could say but uno more a "do" kinda guy''. I just remember telling myself ''nahhhh man keeping talking'' because I really just liked hearing him talk as genuinely as that. But yeah I was really thinking/ hoping that meant something more especially when I saw his name pop up after just 8 days but I guess it was just a figure of speech because what could he have done for me anyway?... He was asking for a essay help thing from the class we used to have together still VERY VERY ODD. I just thought maybe, finally he'd admit to feeling something even if it was only a apology for his dickish behaviours in the past. But guysss my guy ended it with ''Glad I met you'' I'm glad I met him too man, I'm glad I met him too. Even though I can't remember him like that anymore but I do know I haven't felt passionately/idiotically ever since haha.
How it used to be.
This was his response that I wrote out as it was in voice notes:
I'm not going to post the long ass paragraph that I sent him, was a tad bit too cringe and heart poury so yeah leaving that one out.
Hearing him say ''Hope you do well, have a good life''...and remembering how much that hit.. that he's no longer a part of my journey no more. I mean not going to lie I was stuck in a bubble as school was all I had known of until this gap year which I still need to catch you guys up on. But yeah I just remember how much that hit because it's really separate ways from here and has been for a long time now. We're in March for God's sake, time is really and truly flying by, wow. Even though he did say ''who know what the future holds'' so who knows but I hope that the positive impressions we've had on each other does remain even if we were never directly in each others lives...And finally the bit that made me feel he was talking to me directly (like he had me in his head when he was replying) was the bit where he said ''Don't let any idea of what a girl should be like stop you, feel like you already don't... at that stage now which is good...''. Just something personal I will not go into now but it felt like he listened more than I thought he did, all those sociology lessons on the few times I've spoken about such things and even then subtly ...so maybe he cared more than he let on others to believe.
It's weird wondering if he still thinks about me or even misses me. All I know is he's fading from my memories. The songs aren't even the same anymore. So to carrying on moving on.
