5th of March💙
Part 2 of the post I need to write and the reason why I haven't allowed myself to post anything else for so long. Him.

You know... who knows how much longer I would have put this off for...Don't know why but yep it's the loser's birthday, so in memory of this date I might as well just do it. Do I even want to anymore? The feelings aren't even the same anymore, can't even barely remember him.

Odd, so odd.

All I know is in the midst of all the change where he's no longer a part of my day to day life anymore and hasn't been for a long time now... I found myself thinking ''Oh it's going to be the 5th of march soon'' found myself praying for him and that my guys good haha, not that deep anymore but dates always get me reminiscing like the feely sucker I am.

Looking back at part 1, I really did nail how he made me feel but this is just the 'remainder'... The part I just need to set free from the back of my head by just getting it out.

One thing I've been meaning to get off my chest is I really thought we were going to end up going university at the same place. Not even the tiniest part of me thought that would ever be the case but it was one school seminar... Where the teacher was asking about  firm choices for uni and out of the fricking insane blue he said the one I had picked but of course with a maybe. And mind you he was redoing and I was taking a gap year (as I am at this very moment) so I actually thought wow man... But later I bumped into another redoer couple months later and he had told me he wasn't there anymore because he did this extra distinction essay and did maths. Hence was enough to get him into uni straight after. And that was kind of (let me not lie) very heartbreaking because I really thought I was going to see him there, had no idea about him getting into a uni during the year he was redoing...I can't believe I thought it was in the works of destiny or someshit, just makes me wish I never heard him say that uni choice to begin with because before that I had absolute no hope of that ever happening. But yeah that's in the past now was a moment of excitement that was short lived with decietful hope but yeah. Glad things worked out for him in the end progression wise too.

So on the 29th October 2017 I made a fake account to message this dude to just ''one last time'' pour my feelings out to him... without him actually knowing for sure who it was. And it's so weird because not in a million years would I have expected him to message me a few days after... Because on the 6th of November 2017 seeing his name pop up, oml had me tearing up... not even going to lie. (It's so weird writing this now because the feelings aren't fresh anymore). Like the fact it was only a matter of 8 days later from the whole goodbye anonymous shit. So it was mad. Maybe when he said he knows who it is, he did think of me. Guys that just makes what he said even more sweet but I did feel like he did know it was me, even though he can never be sure.

But yeah, it was mad because of one thing he said in particular ''Much more I could say but uno more a "do" kinda guy''. I just remember telling myself ''nahhhh  man keeping talking'' because I really just liked hearing him talk as genuinely as that. But yeah I was really thinking/ hoping that meant something more especially when I saw his name pop up after just 8 days but I guess it was just a figure of speech because what could he have done for me anyway?... He was asking for a essay help thing from the class we used to have together still VERY VERY ODD. I just thought maybe, finally he'd admit to feeling something even if it was only a apology for his dickish behaviours in the past. But guysss my guy ended it with ''Glad I met you'' I'm glad I met him too man, I'm glad I met him too. Even though I can't remember him like that anymore but I do know I haven't felt passionately/idiotically ever since haha.

How it used to be.

This was his response that I wrote out as it was in voice notes:

I'm not going to post the long ass paragraph that I sent him, was a tad bit too cringe and heart poury so yeah leaving that one out.

Hearing him say  ''Hope you do well, have a good life''...and remembering how much that hit.. that he's no longer a part of my journey no more. I mean not going to lie I was stuck in a bubble as school was all I had known of until this gap year which I still need to catch you guys up on. But yeah I just remember how much that hit because it's really separate ways from here and has been for a long time now. We're in March for God's sake, time is really and truly flying by, wow. Even though he did say ''who know what the future holds'' so who knows but I hope that the positive impressions we've had on each other does remain even if we were never directly in each others lives...And finally the bit that made me feel he was talking to me directly (like he had me in his head when he was replying) was the bit where he said ''Don't let any idea of what a girl should be like stop you, feel like you already don't... at that stage now which is good...''. Just something personal I will not go into now but it felt like he listened more than I thought he did, all those sociology lessons on the few times I've spoken about such things and even then subtly ...so maybe he cared more than he let on others to believe.

It's weird wondering if he still thinks about me or even misses me. All I know is he's fading from my memories. The songs aren't even the same anymore. So to carrying on moving on.

🥂

 ''who know what the future holds''