Happy New Year?

Sunday 31st December 2017

I know I haven't been posting since over a month, the last one was 15th of November. Lord Jesus did not realise it's been this long BUT just know a update is coming...But for now in remembrance and light of the last day or should I say last 26 minutes (since it's 23:34 right now) I just want to post something. Mems. Guess I care more than I thought I did.

For some it's exciting and for those who are entering this new year with the same continuance of some sort of inner tension/grief/disappointment it's just another day...and that's becoming me... (at least this year). I don't want that, no one wants that. But what I'm saying is: the symbolic of the fricking last digit changing of the year (lmao) means some sort of hope of looking forward to different energy from the universe and it's time to accept that I am in control of my own destiny and I still got a long way to go to work on that. Especially my thinking and behaviour, because let's face it we all can be better versions of ourselves but MAY THIS YEAR bring better opportunities and help us become aware of that universal guidance that ''everything happens for a reason''mentality in order to do better. -23:41

But yep not going to overdo it, 

keep loving.

I just keep missing him

.

Have you ever had someone that just keeps playing mind games like it's the little signs that don't really account for any God damn truth or thing in the end but was so consistent. How could something confusing be so consistent? And feel so right? Make me feel so right and just okay...and now he's not a part of my reality no more. I'm having a hard time moving on.

Like times when I think I'm so over him and think I was the biggggest fool for feeling the way I did for the longest time ever but then BOOM...I just keep missing him. Wth and there's still a entireee not even a tiny part of me that really really and truly from the entirety of my heart hopes that he could somehow be back in my reality. Wtffff.

I hate him. But because he's not here. Because he never was honest about how he felt. Because he was so unclear about ''Not liking me back''. But somehow he's eye's were always fricking glued to mine when I was around. What an idiot for making me feel like an idiot but act's the way he does. But I don't even hate him, I just really miss him. This loser. Ime.

This boy. He was a fricking micro magnifier and made everything drastically bad just fricking unclear...it was just a game to focus on everyday like a distraction from everything else and maybe that's why he made me feel so 'okay'. Maybe that's why he grew on me so much. Because I didn't even know him, I just felt?

Part 1 of the post I need to write and the reason why I haven't allowed myself to post anything else for so long. Him.

-23:48 15/11/17

After 1 Year &10 months
Saturday 4th November 2017

Moral of the post: Life has a funny way of working out

GUYSSS yesterday was the day I talked to a friend I fell out with badly for literally a year and 10 months or so. That’s almost TWO fricking years…but today we met up and talked like none of that time’s passed by but as better versions of ourselves omalord guys my heart.

And on that note closure is so so SO important. Grateful.

❤

What I've learnt from the past is to watch exactly what you say when you feel hurt to the person that's the source, because once they're out (even if you didn't mean it)... they can really BLOW everything out of proportion. 

Honestly the way I fell out with this close friend was because I remember feeling insignificant & like a mug by the way she would chose her boyfriend and his friend over me to the point it was a consistent thing. And it came to a point where I was like there's no point faking this friendship and what was supposed to be a calm 'I'm done' conversation led to bitterness & bitchyness and I just remember wanting to hurt her as much as I felt hurt from her actions but you know it always takes two to tango and shit...So she wasn't the only one at fault. And as a younger version of myself and also our group of close friends we sucked at communicating and maybe this was a bittersweet time passing, falling out/ zero communication thing. As A) I felt I needed to be able to enjoy and not be restricted in the group of friends we always had been in and lose that reliance and you know get along with other people, B) missing someone is the best way to internalise their importance especially when you've always had them and you start forgetting how much they ADD than subtract in your life and C) boundaries and diminishing unhealthy attachments....I'm just glad I could make closure because that's not the person I am anymore and the things that were said and left wasn't a reflection of my entire attitude, it was a really bad self destructive implusive thing honestly. When in reality we both cared/ missed each other..or wished each other were there during certain moments that only we'd get etc etc. There's no point in holding grudges it's all about keeping an open ear guys.

Another thing I've realised is it's so easy to actually fall out with someone but still see them everyday at school because they're still indirectly part of your routinised life. But I realised when school came to an end it's the realisation that 'huh this person's really out of sight now, is it really going to be the rest of our lives wondering how each other's doing and what they're up to'...and maybe that played a part in letting go of the 'ego' because below surface levels we still cared and yeah.

Like I don't know where yesterday leaves us as friends but we'll see but no point stressing, small successes at a timeeee. Like I always say ''Trust the process, every little things adding TF up'' ;)

Happy 2nd November 2017!
Fricking completed posting everyday for a month finalllyyy, now I'll be working more on quality>quantity. Honestly, a post a day was getting hella stressful but I DID IT :')

Anywho, so today I landed a job finally, honestly can't waittt to get the money flowing in ;) sike no but yeah...You don't understand how many jobs I applied/ gave my CV in for and something worked out even after all this time. I'm so glad I didn't drown cos of this shit. Because honestly everyone has their own time and path and i've learnt that now.
Honestly the quote below has been so reassuring in staying put in this process:

Honestly this song and cover is just so beautiful (even though the original by P!nk is amazing too):

Yo might as well share more x factor week 1 live performances

(This girl is properrr talented she's been performing her own songs and they're just so raw, something about depth man, something about depth)

And these lot are just lit, like their audition (own song) was stuck in my head for so long too

"I'm feeling you so what we gonna do"

Bro this wasn't even lives but her accent and the way she's singing this, my hearrtttt.

This year's x factor is actually banging so far 

This teen's a star, this teen's a legenddd. LOVE THIS:

Someone should make this t-shirt a movement honestly.

And fricking weird... I saw a cute top like the pink one today and really wanted it~coincidenceee

Oh and almost forgot Happy 1st FRICKING November...Finally can sing Christmas songs shamelessly around the house without worrying about my neighbours (Like I don't randomly in the summer sometimes anyways lmao)

Been playing this all day...
😪

Happy Halloween though

Monday 20th October 2017 23:10

~23:11 Make a wish, does anyone else do that?

God works in mysterious wayss honestly man...Like there's been so many times I thought fuck this...everything's ruined this that...and somehow they'll be some other 'light' situation peaking through. Like trust the process, everything's genuinely adding up !

Got reminded of that quote from that one song ''There's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark'' beautifulllll -Alessia Cara: Scars to your beautiful

Oml "You don't have to change a thing, the world can change it's heart" this songs so beautiful

I'm just going to quote a little hope message thing I sent to one of my friends:

"Gives me hope and makes me so happy that some people up there have gone through so much in life and truly "started from the bottom" and have goneeeee so farr, if you've ever seen Oprah's story or even Stormzy. It's lit out there some times...maybe not sooner but some time, somewhere in the damn timeline"- Moral of the post

P.s I really wish there was a emoji bar on this blog thing....seems so lifeless 😂

And today I think for the first time in forever I felt excited about Uni and that I could do it next year and it's because of yesterday and him. Lowkey spoke life into me and I really needed it, really did.                    ♥

Something Of Purpose

Let's just say I made closure/ said 'goodbye' with this one very very weird dude that I've cared about for the longest time coming. We were never friends but there was just something.

"Even when I hated you...I still cared about you''....."You'll never know"
"Who knows...what the future holds''. ."Glad I met you" ~Guys my hearttt man, my hearttt
That one bit where he said ''Hope you do well, have a good life,have fun...That's number one on the list, have fun..." It just hit me how weird it is that he's not going to be around, even as acquaintances like he has been for the longest time during school years. My dickhead lowkey a  sweetheart's growing up...my heart 11:11pm All I want for him is to be happy and to be good...with so much love around him.

But today's a story time for another time. Just like to mark today - Sunday 29th October 2017 
18:49-19:18 

Imagine ♥

Just when you think there's hope, things take a turn for the worst.

-And all this supposedly rationalisation that 'this is a test by God' this, that....it's really tripping me over. It's like my life is just slipping away hoping for better days. But what about now?
Why do I deserve this?
-It's been a long time coming... of this misery. Sure there's been great times....but those were always at surface level.
-Life's a fucking bitch. (At least right now and has been)

Daily Dose Of Positivity

Do I even need to say anything, this is Platinum

This was from agesss ago. Me stunting like I know how to do makeup (no waaaaays)
Used to be so creative now I'm a highkey wasteman...Feel like all that creativity went because of technology. Now it's just countless switching apps to pass time. This technological ditch...Like it shouldn't be like this.........Actually feel bad for the kids these days that are already given a ipad to stay in place, that shit's wack bro. At least I can say I had a normal childhood when you know technology/ the internet wasn't all that common. Like me and my brother used to stand on opposite sides of the living room, roll a pair of socks (yes clean comeonnn) roll it into a ball and pat it across like tennis. It was the LITTESTTTT thing EVER and soooo much more. Miss those days.

Breath In, Breath out

I know I've been slacking. It's because I've truly, deeply have been feeling absolutely shitty. (Say a little prayer for me if you seee thiss ;) Sometimes I wish things could just happen over night. But that's okay...I got this? I GOT THIS.

Cba for life right now honestly.

After taking Spanish at school for so many years and still not knowing it, gotta say I love this post haha: (Just sounds so littt)

If you're not happy with yourself yet then did you ever really have a chance with him? Doomed from the start with all these insecurities now that I think of it. Work on you man, work on you...and try to keep the focus on you too.

Cba for today ngl. Feel crappy and exhausted, so? (I did post tho lmao)
Is it annoying I type in slang? Well that's natural so I'm just doing me if you're wondering.
Storm Brian today hopefully not as bad as Storm Ophelia which was just last Monday...you know when the sky was orange and weird yeah...All these natural disasters for fuck sake to that.

But you know what was trippy about that day...was that the sky was like that because the strong wind currents were pushing the dust from the Sahara all the way to the UK etc. That's MAAADD travelling if you think about it woOH.

Favourite/ on repeat songs at the moment:

I AIN'T A VEGAN, BUT THIS VEGAN RAP THO

Showing my appreciation to his marvellous work of art, articulation, validation AND FLOOWWW.

😂

No BUT seriously if people could lay down revision like this, I think I would have nailed them. Lmaooo the how can you afford all those healthy food and the same way you can afford your iPhone imac point...like all his points were just solid as FUCK. "Your ego's bigger than your health''🔥🔥🔥

 2:06-2:11 ''Well if you're a fucking cavemen, where's your fucking cave then'' -Got to say that was honestly my favourite part haha

Power Perception Quote Of The Day

(Got a irritating headache, probably because of my fucked up sleeping patterns...so keeping today's one short-Literally couldn't fall asleep past 6 am yesterday and been waking up after 12:30pm and that's just not right, I need to fix tf up soon, very soon) ~But on a positive note, I got people that reached out complimenting my blog and LITERALLY, WHOLEHEARTEDLY means the world to me, thank you.♥

Don't Let Yourself Drown In Self-Pity

I understand we hurt but by focusing on the hurt and the source can be a VERY dangerous thing. We often start focusing on them and begin to drown in so much self pity that we wire our brains in a hatred sort of manner, than loving/forgiving and most importantly understanding. Then we start seeing everyone else as the same and that self pity turns into exclusion of ourselves being thought to feel supposedly against the world. And that could create such a senseless,dangerous and self-destructive character.

Because let's just face it nothing is ever simple, nothing is clear cut. They hurt you? They seem like some narcissist?...But then what about them? Why do they do the things they do? Surely they have hurt in them to be causing someone else hurt.

Moral of the post: Constant self pity and pinpointing someone else's actions can often mislead us in the way we respond to the situation, if you get me...The effort we should be putting in growing from it gets blurred to staying stuck and trying to find some sort of vengeance instead, from 'them'.

I don't know but take something from this, I know we all can...Here's a message I wrote to a friend after he sent me a video of a guy basically losing his shit:

Moral of the post: Stay considerate in the face of inconsideration♥

(Click the image to make it bigger to read)
Worth the read honestly- Words of Encouragement & Light 

R&B Vibesss ✨✨

I found this R&B cover mashup and it sounded litASF (Especially because it started off with Burn By Usher 😢) pic.twitter.com/cUEAUwDlEz

(One of the songs below^)

Here are some of my favourite R&B songs:

Ordianry People!!!!! By John Legend

That's Love Marc E

How you gonna act like that By Tyrese / The Z.Woods Cover / Sdyney Renae Cover 

(This songggg is for the feeeels </3)

So Sick By Ne-Yo♥

Mad By Ne-Yo

Because of you By Ne-Yo

This is how we do it By Montell Jordan

Dilemma By Nelly

Breathe By Blu Cantrell

Burn By Usher

Let Me Love You By Mario

Hate that I love you By Rihanna

When I was your man By Bruno Mars

Left Out By Alexus Rose

We're not making love no more By Dru Hill

She Don't By Ella Mai

When I see U By Fantasia

Buy U a Drank By T-pain

I Bet By Ciara

Don't Matter By Akon

No One By Alicia Keys

Cheater's dilemma By Kay B

U Remind Me-Usher

I'm Missing You-  Bobby Tinsley

Van Gogh's Starry Night -Walk Through Exhibition
So just casually scrolling through (like I do everyday) on Twitter and I came across this magnificent work offffff art, looks soooo beautiful. Especially the fact I love all things a good shade of blue and the night sky...Absolutely littt

Follow My Instagram

My new instagram based on this blog is: somethingofpurpose

I was proper going to use a quote generator website to create the imagery to the text whole thing but it wasn't working and plus taking forever than it should have....Soooooo, I decided to go into a scenery folder I have (Of pictures I've taken/screenshots of scenes from tv shows etc etc. And Voila! Exhibit the first two:

(From a TVD scene and of course the quotes from one of my blog posts)

So I took this, not sure when and I usually hate blurry pictures but I think it sets the scene for that particular quote, so yeah

I think I did a pretty cool job with those two yaknow. Also look at the current overall stats for my blog:

I usually love seeing the different countries, it makes me over the moooon excited. Also the fact I know it's not only my annoying blog loading count haha. And I see you Philippinesss (That's a new one). If you do read my blog/tune in...it would mean the world to see some DM's letting me know, at least that would let me know everyday for a month is reaching someone consistent ygm, even if it's one, honestly 😀
And it would help me out a lot with content if someone suggests blog post ideas or like a advice post you want idk (Maybe too early for that yet) But hopefully get's through to someone out there, thank you:

💙

Vampire Diaries-Elena Gilbert
Might I say this is the only show I have watched all over again and watching it for the 3rd time again...Watch this if youuu haven't, you'd be so lucky to, especially with all them episodes haha
(Season 3 episode 6 currently)

But yeah for my fellow TVD lovers out there, look how amazing this video is #POWERFUL

Happy World Mental Health Day -10/10/17
A post for yesterday:

If that doesn't nail it, I don't know what will.............................................I wanna be free. Free to not worry about money. Free with unconditional love & Free from insecurities & Free without fear & Free with purpose

You Need This ft The Current Situation

Okay so now that I’m technically out of ‘school’ because let’s face it Uni’s different and on this Gap Year I technically have entered the world of work or should I say I’m at the door step? Like HELLLLOOOOO?

Alright so I was with an organisation that help young people to find an apprenticeship, I was stressed during A levels so thought let me just submit my CV/Cover letter and let them find it for me…I mean don’t get me wrong there was effort from my behalf in terms of getting qualified to be a part of the actual thing... to the writing the cover letters bit and then to the interview stages…

But I really and truly regret putting it off and leaving it in their hands with no back up…as now I’m probably not going to end up doing an apprenticeship during this gap because of the 12 month contracts they usually do…hence I would have to put off uni even more and I don’t want that. And it would have been good to get a apprenticeship from the get go…As it's more constructed/learning based experience whilst getting a actual qualification out of it. But I’m gonna have to firm just a job if anything…but that’s okay “it is what it is.” “Learning curve”

Head in the game.

Main Bit: INTERVIEWS & A RANT & ABOVE AND BEYOND ENLIGHTENMENT

Never felt this so hardcore until Interviews and let me tell you why!

A voice note to my friend of me trying to express how I feel about interviews (Just something raw idk) -00:13 Saturday 16th September 2017

The typical questions are based around qualities, that you have to validate through examples of your experiences...Such as examples of when you've been in a difficult situation and how you handled it...

And you know what I hate about that question is what if you've been through something genuinely so deep... like it could have been the biggest character building aspect of your life but it's too personal, that you're uncomfortable with sharing it... And I thought my a levels were very emotionally difficult but to them that would be standard/generic...hence what I mean about the artificial OBJECTIVE ASF nature. It doesn't show a true portrayal of the person that walks through but somehow still leaves you feeling so worthless, like I've never faced rejection like that and I had no idea about it being that hard regardless of stepping out with a levels and gcses. The biggest classic is 'give an example of team work'. Like we fully don't go through most things in school in teams like with presentations or what not... for most of our lives like it's just such a simple question, which they want HELLA a lot out of ...And you also have to come in fully researched about the job you're there for and give cliche answers on why you want that job...Like you can't just say money/experience.
________________________________________________________________

 And let me rant about this...they are literally so picky, like they say that ''Jobs don't want you to come in knowing everything'' and it's about attitude and commitment to learn blah blah blah... But then they present you with the expectation to come in with all this experience, to have life with a cherry on top...But what if you're just getting started? Like they need to understand the power of giving an opportunity because people grow along the way and they'll work for what they sign up for. There's just so much pressure on a ready made character glossed with experience.

I know it's hard as a company to trust whoever...But you're never too big as a company to let on people that just want to make something of themselves or get the experiences you're already expecting at the door step...I see a lot of companies investing in philanthropy so charity work on educating programs for schools/competitions etc...so why don't they also give the time...should it not be their human duty as a firm to work with training people who want to work directly for them too?'' If you get what I'm trying and trying to articulate.

Like there are so many people unemployed and are willing to work and so many things to be done out there and it's sad to think something can't be made of them because of the interview process. I'm just lucky to walk in well presented, what about the homeless...It's not fair. Rant over and my feelings are valid even if it's not that simple. 

_________________________________________________________________

The main part of this post that I wanted to get across is I really wish my school would have informed me and got through the pressure/competitive nature of jobs especially apprenticeships. I literally stepped into the world outside absolutely clueless of the expectations. I would have thought GCSEs and A Levels would have cut it but they wanted a whole character buildup review, so all the years leading up to now I was working on grades yet they did not get through the necessity of real world experience. It's like the delusion of school acting as such a safety net for us..because that's all we literally know till one day when it's finally over...I still haven't comprehended it's over ngl...Like there's no mix ups in life but straight through compulsory education. And then they ask why some people fear change so much LOL.

Schools need to inform us and tell us from the get go...(an early age) that "LOOK these are like the common interviews questions and from these years on I want you to participate in character building establishments that show off all these qualities and write them down...'' 

Like I feel like I've done so much help within school to supposedly look good for your CV such as fundraising, helping the younger years. For instance conducting one of the activities at sports day etc...But in reality that's still not enough and  I feel like I should have been doing stuff outside of school as well. The worst thing about it is that...that was the age to do so, especially the holidays like volunteering. As I wasn't 18, the stress of money wasn't there...I didn't feel any shame in being financially reliant on my parents as those were the years to focus on education, no pressure on getting a job. So I could have easily volunteered and get these great things to convey these qualities that they look for. If you haven't got the memo yet...IT IS MAD and if you're still young then take a lot more out of this please...There's tons of YouTube videos on typical interview questions and answers. Take a notebook and start building evidence for some of those qualities. Because the feeling of having done actually not that much with your life in relation to the requirements/attractions to the outside world...you'll end up feeling pretty much like shit, like someone who could have done so much more. 

💔

Because honestly below the ages of 18 is when we got time...After it's bills, responsibilities...The real world is tough and school doesn't tell you this but work on yourself, don't get caught up in too much drama and rationalising that school is the biggest stress...It's just what is mostly stressed by the system. And you knowww... I did sociology so there's that whole the government just want to keep as controlled, or the rich(bourgeoisie) just want to maintain their power...blah blah blah...What I'm saying is STAY WOKE.

😉

Do good in school for sure! and do good in life along the way too, for yourself and also the harsh world out there.

Conor Maynard
Disclaimer: close the music bar at the bottom before playing the videos, incase you get confused about the overlapping voices lool

*1:53-2:03* ~My Heart

Okay so I really want to stay true to the posting everyday for a month thing and although this wasn't the post planned for today...The other one's more significant hence I wanna get rid of the feeling of making it rushed (It takes longer than you think to write a post)

But yeah regardless, this cover is amazing and it's soooo old like it just gives me uniform year vibes (Oh that was a word I made for the secondary schoolers btw)

Check him out because there's like tonsss of more great covers by him and also mashups

(Exhibit below) :

Ar'mon & Trey-sharing music/youtubers

Disclaimer: close the music bar at the bottom before playing the videos, incase you get confused about the overlapping voices lool

OML this duo of  brothers that sing together, they're the shittttt. Their voicesss are just amazinggg...
So yeah Imma just share their main official(first) song called Breakdown...got that old R&B vibe💙 💙 💙 

They started off with vine but obviously that got deleted so they must have migrated to youtube(blessssingg) ...But look at this one vine, I can't(How could you not replay this?):

But yeah they do covers on their channel, pranks and vlogs etc. It's funny and their YouTube lot is lit.
(Queen, Jazz, Em & Von, Taylor Girlz etc)

And lemme just leave this video here for you guys to deep how cute Ar'mon is😂:

Daily Dose Of Positivity

It's 23:07 right now of the 7th of October and I really don't wanna miss writing a post each day (For at least a month) as a...I don't know, an establishment that I can keep something going?, idkyeah.
(I really shouldn't be forcing it but yeah, lmaooo feels like all my last minute homework trololol)

Oh I know... Imma just find a (really weirdly voiced but in reality eye opening) video that I watched yesterday that's actually lowkey so beautifully presented and just a daily dose of reminding us of the good that has always been there in the world and with the power we possess within ourselves...We can choose to focus on the good things, the beautiful or even simple YET finer things in life...And as a means maintain our state of mind and power through, even in the times of catastrophe.

Or you could always self mediate the saying '' Let your faith be bigger than your fears" like I do. It's really and truly all about mindset. That's your personal power man, so reevaluate your outlook and keep it in check...I mean you're human, we all are...we're allowed to grieve but I've seen so many people drown and bathe in self pity...that they've internalised it too much and hence lost sight of being focused and that's how people reach the lows and dismiss personal responsibilities and pointing fingers and further dilemma's occur. Be nice to yourself and be nice to others.

-Let Your Faith Be Bigger Than Your Fears

 Moral of the post:

STAY POSITIVE & STAY FOCUSED

(And none of that ''it's easily said than done'' bullshit. Been there, heard that...I mean of course but as I said it's all about changing mindsets. So speak it into reality or some shit. That's literally how I spoke my confidence into existence. "Faking it, to make it" Something like that...little do they know how insecure I am or how insecure I get. But know your worth regardless and speak things into existence, sometimes....IT'S ACTUALLY MAD. Lmao it's funny too the amount of people I've actually gotten to call me Queen and shit. They're wonderful man, so blessed. Like I said: the little but finer things in life. Trust the process it's alllll adding up.

Adding A Music Player Feature To Your Blog

(Click the symbol that's circled to see the song options, hopefully you like some, give em a chance ;), tunes in the background while ya read of course)

I'm soooo proud (haha) finally added the music player thing, thanks to:

https://www.wikplayer.com/  
 -For creating the code

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bu28phbNW-A&t=107s
-And this video tutorial on how to actually do it (The website that's in the video didn't work for me but the one above did in creating the code)

Hellcats-Tv Show

Alright so currently I'm watching a new show that's from 2010-2011. I'm proper bummed that it only has one season. But at least there's 22 episodes that are 45 minutes each. (Reasons why I love american tv showss + the vibe of course)

I'm bad at summaries so here's one from IMDb: "Marti Perkins, a pre-law student at Lancer University, discovers that her scholarship has been cancelled and her well-meaning but irresponsible mother, Wanda has neglected to inform her. Broke and out of options, Marti realises the only way she can stay in school is to win a place on the Hellcats-Lancer's legendary cheer squad- and the scholarship that comes with it"

It's actually a really good show (haven't found one in timeee) and honestly I've never deeped the talent needed to exercise being a cheerleader, well at least the formations and competitive nature they portrayed and the whole living in a dorm as a part of it...just seems cool man. Wish they did more seasons & Sharpay from High School Musical's in it...so childhood memsss

But yeah moral of the post:

Episode 7 (Time mark: 36:22)

Savannah: “I’m scared of the unknown and that’s Dan”

Savannah“Anything different is scary. Going to Kindergarten for the first time, graduating high school, leaving home…All those things terrified me when I did em.”

Marti: “But you did them’’

Savannah: “Yeah you have to. Otherwise you get stuck in the same spot forever”

Marti: “And that would be scary”.......“You can handle this.”

Savannah: “We can handle this”

I just think this scene was beautiful and simply so true. Being stuck's scary or living a life that's someone else's expectation and although that may be what you've known life was going to be growing up but it doesn't mean that's your path. The world's scary out there. Like I'm scared of living a dead-end job without passion or firming a typical life that isn't in my heart for me.

-Divergent

The Night Before The Last Official Day of Attending A School I Went To For 7 Years ft Results day

23:21 Wednesday 16^th August 2017

Yo so today’s the night before results day…and today I finally got my hair dyed back to normal…that was sorta sad too because had to pay £95 pounds but like I always say we all make mistakes so firmed it…oh the fuck wells, Oh wells…Then I went creams and was sleepy asf and I tried taking a nap but it just wouldn’t work so here I am 23:23 wide awakeee….

Dear God, I really do hope I get 2 A’s and a distinction in economics been wishing for such a long time coming….Like I know I procrastinated a lot but I genuinely know I worked hard…like it took a lot out of me…So here I am saying that even though I didn’t work the most efficiently/productively..it took a lot out of me and I truly hope it reflects. But I love you God. Come through….

Bruh tomorrow’s gonna be the last ever morning waking up for the school I’ve been at for 7 years and I’m just a emotionally attached person…Like I cannot explain I’m dreading it more that tomorrow will be the ultimate departure? Goodbye? Like the people and the memories…There’s been so many ups and downs, so much goodness overall and I can’t actually comprehend that this day has come and it’s tomorrow 23:27. Absolutely gutted, I’m gonna miss that place and them. So much. Bruh tonight I am in my feeeeeeelingsss

The way I’ve been telling every person to pray for me…this one boy who’s on holiday to turkey and I was like find your local turkey beach and throw a rock into the sea and make a wish looool. He was so cute about it ‘’I’m gonna go to a beach too *laughing emoji* I’ll dash one in memory of u “ haha

But now I have to go and get ready, pluck those eyebrows, do my nails lmaooo. But at least I got my shows to keep me from more nerves…bold type ayeee fosters (argh kinda too deep for rn) and erm Younger yassss

 23:32 ‘’I love you God’’

_______________________________________________________________

So it's 21:51 rn and it's Thursday the 15th of October 2017

UCAS

Although I didn't get amazing grades ngl but everything genuinely worked out and I truly think God got through to me... through the many, many 23:11 11:11 or casual prayers/wishes...Like weirdly two-ish days before results day my first chosen Uni made my offer unconditional (Which means I didn't need the grades to get in). Like the entry requirements was fricking AAA but right now I'm on a gap year so yeah. Like I can't express how shocked I was on that day, I'm just so grateful for this miracle honestly...

It's going to be the final part of my education so I'm just going to do so much better, work so much harder and avoid my nonsense from the past that deterred me, honestly.

For some of you agnostics & atheists (If I said the right ones) and not really religious people you might think this is too much. But I can't express to you how much faith believing in God gives you. Like it really and truly keeps you going by having that exterior hope of above and beyond, that keeps you grounded to trust the process. Like not going to lie I'm not a traditionalist, someone who's like...you know religious that follows guidelines but I just believe in God, in a God. Like I can't explain it but all I know is it keeps me strong, away from that feeling of sinking, ygm...

-It's beautiful

I hope them the best and soooooo much more from the bottom of my heart.

Experimenting & Your Hair 

23:01 Saturday 12th August 2017

-"So idiotically I dyed my hair orangey yellowy today fml"

(That is all I have about a post I wanted to write about but it's the 5th of October now so let's see how this goes, lordddd)

So I dyed my hair on the 24th of September 2016 at a hair salon, professionally for the first time. After failing at it with box dye by myself. Like my hair's naturally jet black and so I had to get it bleached and shit for it to actually make a significant difference. Oh and I chose to dye it like a warm toned brown and few months later I tried lightening it with box hair dye but it sort of looked darker after that....So all that time I was a bit regretful and iffy and wanted to lighten it even more...

So then on the 12th of August 2017 I was googling all the cheap ways I could, because I was not looking to spend salon money again, it's too much lmao. And I came across many successful videos

of cream peroxide and baking soda. Mind you cream peroxide is like £1.99 so I was like lit, that's even cheaper than fricking a box dye of £5 or so....Well I thought....

So I've got my newspapers everywhere with my gloves, tryna be all cautious cos this is literally some chemical shit. And all I remember is my hair GENUINELY sizzling, like it was heating up...But then the colour was coming through and I really wanted my ugly uneven looking black roots to lighten...so what did I do? firm it. And I waited the full 1 hour. Like maybe if I left it for even 15 minutes it would have came out sort like I wanted...So then I've wrapped my hair in a towel to naturally dry because I wasn't trying to damage it even more because I knew that this procedure was already going to damage my hair...And then when my hair's finally dry and IT'S FRICKING ORANGE. At that point I knew I fucked up. LMAO like biggg time. And lemme just tell y'all it was crispyyy as fuckk! And so I spent most of my time wearing a bandana covering my hair to hide from my mum.

I ended up having to go back to the salon on the 16th of August. After so much hunting I finally found one that done it there and then  Let me stress the fact I had less than 24hrs to fix it before results day and yeahhhh there goes my £95. That was literally so heart breaking. But my hair was looking flawless coming outttt; literally a guy just went ''beautiful'' whilst walking past me. #GassMoments haha...But yeah probably got all the attention because my hair was sleek for once and I also got it cut in layers so my hair was just flowing nicely with the wind on that day. (Yeah setting the sceneeeee haha)

And then on the 17th of August which was results day the guy I had feelings for...(still care about) the only compliment he ever gave me, even though it fricking sounded like a diss was on my hair. Like I was just walking away after saying cya and he went ''Your hair looks much better, it looks better like that, looks much better like that'' Like a fricking replay button and I just turned around with my natural instinct with most situations with him, with a WTF screwing face and then I just smiled and said "Okay, thank you''...because had to realise it was the last time at school and yeah...</3 And there was that other time I found out I got a D in psychology LOOOL-FML and I was proper hiding from my teacher and she's just coming over being all bubbly complimenting how nice my hair looks and yeah awkward memoriessss of that day haha(On a side note 4 people got D's okay. From a class of 9 and 3 dropped out (tryna rationalise it lmao even though there's no excuse.) But yeah even till this day I wish I took more out of my alevels like they were all beautiful subjects and it's sad that I only remember it as being proper stressed, unorganised... while juggling other dramas in my life...Like Twitter was not exaggerating shit like those pages that dramatise how alevels are the death of you, but it's proper stressful ...especially the fact I have the woooorst procrastination. I really wish I stayed on top of things but with a levels it's so easy to fall back and once that happens, it's just hella overwhelming from there on...arghh) But like my psychology teacher always used to say ''IT'S A LEARNING CURVE''

Moral of the post: Your hair is valuableeee don't mess around, especially with a fricking chemical reaction! 

The split ends and dryness aren't worth it, you might as well get it professionally done than constant fuckups through unpredictable trial and errors. It costed me £95 guys this fricking trial and error. But I genuinely like the colour now. even though my black roots are creeping in again but oh wells life. The shades more goldy brown now.

Deeper than it was supposed to be ft irrationality

00:59 Friday 11^th August 2017

I wish he was insignificant to me. I wish I didn’t feel like I was constantly fighting my feelings of supposedly loving him with hating him(or at least trying to because it makes much more sense). Hate’s a very strong feeling. But big shocker *sarcasm* it could never for even a good moment could override that hope I have for him to reach out to me and well make things right. 01:01 I don’t get it. I don’t get him and I just wish I really did.

Why does it always feel like people leave a permanent mark on me?...But I’m nothing to them. God I really do not love myself do I? And as much as I don’t want to agree to that statement because it’s pitiful and embarrassing but that is literally why I feel I’m so drawn to such shame and which leads to the other problem of feeling like I could never truly pitch how I feel? Because I know these feelings shouldn’t be,  at all…But reality isn’t that simple is it?

Like I cannot tell this guy that used to go college with me (1 year older) when it’s been a year of him being at Uni. Along the fact I only truly knew he existed for that one year and interacted with him even less than that. Who then was someone I flirted with vice versa, who then just turned out to be exactly what he said he wouldn’t be or wouldn’t do….And was the guy that got head from my best friend and blocked her and blocked me too. And GOD I know he knew I felt some way about him, clearly…Like he even felt the need to tell me he had a girlfriend when he didn’t…And so much more. So how can I exactly tell this person that I’m still not over him, I’m still not over the situation. I’m JUST NOT OVER THE FACT IT ENDED HOW IT DID. Because I know I started engaging with him for the selfish reasons. I didn’t think of practicality let alone this guys feelings but the fact I wanted to get over another ‘him’ (The other one). I was just trying to get over that other one; he was supposed to go off to uni and everything was supposed to be fine… It should have never went down the way it did. So maybe that’s destiny giving me what I deserved. You know how they say the energy of your intentions that you put in will be the final outcome that will be given back……..something like that.

I don’t know…I’m trying to rationalise with my psychology over-dramatic thought processing arse and it’s been a very long time coming. Like I think this is the consequence of unsaid things, unresolved issues and because of what? EGOs. I feel like I would have been more at peace if I told him how it was. That I would’ve felt I let him truly know how I felt and why then I ended up doing the shit I did. And maybe then I’d know that I could see him as being an awful self serving fuck boy but I can’t right now can I? Because maybe he couldn’t comprehend how much he meant if I never told him straight up because, even though I knew it was obvious but nothing makes it truer than actually saying it right?  But he still shouldn’t matter this much but I don’t know man.

So say what you got to say, say what you’re feeling, before it’s too late. It doesn’t even matter if you think what you say wouldn’t change a thing or matter to them. Because GENUINELY care about and put your internal peace first because those people aren’t going to be doing much for you anyway. So express your feelings because bottling them up will be forever holding a new bottling version of regret till God knows how long. At least if you say it you know you’ve done yourself justice, that you’ve stayed true to yourself because what’s the point of having feelings and not trying to let them know at the end of the day. I once did that with the other ‘him’ and he wasn’t even a friend. And with that same notion I built up courage to do so and I don’t regret it at all because there’s been more out of it than I thought there would be. But I know because of that first experience I didn’t because I didn’t want to feed his ego like I fed the other ‘him’. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. And now all this time’s passed and it just doesn’t seem relevant or would it be comprehensible for be to voice how I feel, when ideally people would think you should have moved on by now. But I haven’t because maybe if I told him how I felt, I would feel satisfied that I did my best to get through to him, to hold him accountable because I needed him to hear how wrong he did in that situation…I just wanted to see him feel sorry for acting the way he did. -01:29

17:40 Thursday 5th October 2017 It's good to feel, even if it's sometimes... idiotically, deeply for a no gooder/contributer to your life...it keeps you human honeyyyyaye. Anywho I'm good now, much better. >PROCESS OF TIME<