Deeper than it was supposed to be ft irrationality

00:59 Friday 11^th August 2017

I wish he was insignificant to me. I wish I didn’t feel like I was constantly fighting my feelings of supposedly loving him with hating him(or at least trying to because it makes much more sense). Hate’s a very strong feeling. But big shocker *sarcasm* it could never for even a good moment could override that hope I have for him to reach out to me and well make things right. 01:01 I don’t get it. I don’t get him and I just wish I really did.

Why does it always feel like people leave a permanent mark on me?...But I’m nothing to them. God I really do not love myself do I? And as much as I don’t want to agree to that statement because it’s pitiful and embarrassing but that is literally why I feel I’m so drawn to such shame and which leads to the other problem of feeling like I could never truly pitch how I feel? Because I know these feelings shouldn’t be,  at all…But reality isn’t that simple is it?

Like I cannot tell this guy that used to go college with me (1 year older) when it’s been a year of him being at Uni. Along the fact I only truly knew he existed for that one year and interacted with him even less than that. Who then was someone I flirted with vice versa, who then just turned out to be exactly what he said he wouldn’t be or wouldn’t do….And was the guy that got head from my best friend and blocked her and blocked me too. And GOD I know he knew I felt some way about him, clearly…Like he even felt the need to tell me he had a girlfriend when he didn’t…And so much more. So how can I exactly tell this person that I’m still not over him, I’m still not over the situation. I’m JUST NOT OVER THE FACT IT ENDED HOW IT DID. Because I know I started engaging with him for the selfish reasons. I didn’t think of practicality let alone this guys feelings but the fact I wanted to get over another ‘him’ (The other one). I was just trying to get over that other one; he was supposed to go off to uni and everything was supposed to be fine… It should have never went down the way it did. So maybe that’s destiny giving me what I deserved. You know how they say the energy of your intentions that you put in will be the final outcome that will be given back……..something like that.

I don’t know…I’m trying to rationalise with my psychology over-dramatic thought processing arse and it’s been a very long time coming. Like I think this is the consequence of unsaid things, unresolved issues and because of what? EGOs. I feel like I would have been more at peace if I told him how it was. That I would’ve felt I let him truly know how I felt and why then I ended up doing the shit I did. And maybe then I’d know that I could see him as being an awful self serving fuck boy but I can’t right now can I? Because maybe he couldn’t comprehend how much he meant if I never told him straight up because, even though I knew it was obvious but nothing makes it truer than actually saying it right?  But he still shouldn’t matter this much but I don’t know man.

So say what you got to say, say what you’re feeling, before it’s too late. It doesn’t even matter if you think what you say wouldn’t change a thing or matter to them. Because GENUINELY care about and put your internal peace first because those people aren’t going to be doing much for you anyway. So express your feelings because bottling them up will be forever holding a new bottling version of regret till God knows how long. At least if you say it you know you’ve done yourself justice, that you’ve stayed true to yourself because what’s the point of having feelings and not trying to let them know at the end of the day. I once did that with the other ‘him’ and he wasn’t even a friend. And with that same notion I built up courage to do so and I don’t regret it at all because there’s been more out of it than I thought there would be. But I know because of that first experience I didn’t because I didn’t want to feed his ego like I fed the other ‘him’. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. And now all this time’s passed and it just doesn’t seem relevant or would it be comprehensible for be to voice how I feel, when ideally people would think you should have moved on by now. But I haven’t because maybe if I told him how I felt, I would feel satisfied that I did my best to get through to him, to hold him accountable because I needed him to hear how wrong he did in that situation…I just wanted to see him feel sorry for acting the way he did. -01:29

17:40 Thursday 5th October 2017 It's good to feel, even if it's sometimes... idiotically, deeply for a no gooder/contributer to your life...it keeps you human honeyyyyaye. Anywho I'm good now, much better. >PROCESS OF TIME<