Speak Your Feelings

Sunday 6^th August 2017 23:19

I saw him today. And I think I got over my head again.

I miss him so much. It’s the most irrational thing ever. And it’s even stupider to still really, truly and deeply hope for him to reach out to me and give me some sort of closure. Cos he ain’t shit but seems like my feelings are giving me a hard time taking that in. 

Lmao, with him I don’t know… my first instinct is looking down. Like bitch nooo you weren’t the deceitful, disrespectful one… You were the one that cared and ironically still does.

He was actually with his brother on the opposite street, damn why did I cross and not look the other way. And I could see his brother getting his attention telling him to look because it’s me (yeah I noticed, suckkkerr) and then his attention just got turned right around to me (Across the road).

So happy that he seems good and he still has that brotherly support system which he used to genuinely speak about, feels like I only got that genuine-ity from him. Like I just hope he’s doing good. But the most !!!!!! thing was when I turned back to look at him walk away and he was looooooooking right back at me, just like old times. And then I deeped with some people it feels like all that time has not passed by. And just yesterday we supposedly were good and messing about but nope.

You know it’s 01:20 Monday 7^th August 2017 and I’m really questioning I dunno what’s bad seeing him & the aftermath or not seeing him at all.

Moral of the post: People say somethings are better left unsaid, but I don't think so......not anymore. Sure you don't want to look like a fool and feed that incompetent shitty *behaving*(Shame the behaviour not the whole person because he's not rotten, there's still good) person's ego BUT you have to say what you need to say FOR YOURSELF, be honest FOR YOURSELF. Because nothing's worst than the things you didn't do/say in the time you had; than actually regretting what you did end up doing ygm...It's like that one quote that got me all bossed up to tell the first boy I had feelings for him:

And mind you this boy wasn't even a friend, so I was far reaching outta my comfort zone and I still can't comprehend how I ended up actually doing it. It's like it was eating me up and I just made up my mind like that's it...Like you know what, what's the point of liking someone and not letting them know? Like at least he'll know the affection and that just ended up being more complicated than I thought but lemme not long it...and say I don't regret it one bit.

And my point is I just regret not telling him how I felt when things fucked up, FOR MYSELF...So at least I knew I've said what I needed to for him to fully hear how he hurt me and I could have done myself justice by seeing him try and justify himself. Like I just let it fade like it meant nothing to me so I guess this is why I still care because I didn't let it fade truthfully.Because I had questions and maybe I still do but yeah. Lmao reminds me of that 'I have questions song' by Camila Cabello